A Merchandise Company in 10 Easy Steps (a/k/a Be Honest With Yourself, Some Of These Apply To You)

1. Pick a name that has “merch” in it.  Does it pay to be that obvious?  Apparently so since 70% of the companies formed in the last 10 years have elected to go this route.
2. Find people that call themselves graphic artists via a clever trade name like “You, Me, and Joe Smith Design” or “Evolution Revolver”.  Look for artists who can take clip art, copyrighted images, and other content available on the web and put them together in semi-unique ways under (or over, or beside) your client’s band logos.  If the artist constantly delivers the art files under size and resolution, you know you’ve found a good one.
3. Set up a Pay Pal account.  Only buy from and sell to people who use Pay Pal.
4. Start an online store with a shareware shopping cart.  Make sure you display the American Apparel logo on the site, and take care to ensure that all of your featured products are on dubious looking models.  Make sure you copy your website FAQ’s from the merchandise company that started just before you, but delete some important stuff so they become even more watered down for the next company when they steal it from you.
5. Settle for as many non-exclusive deals as you can and then encourage your bands to sign with other companies as well so the marketplace becomes confusing.
6. Notwithstanding step “5”, become the exclusive merchandise partner for a record label.
7. Convince yourself you can sell a shit ton of your label partner’s own branded merchandise and then over-produce it.
8. Talk as much shit as you can on Merchwar. Badmouth everyone except your enemies to keep people off of your trail.
9. Start a clothing line.  Make sure it is at least 85% similar to your competition.  Practice incredible self sabotage by pushing your “cool-standards” so far into the stratosphere that there is not one person (or retailer) in the known universe that has a chance of being remotely cool enough to qualify as a customer.
10. Get a booth at Bamboozle.  Even if you sell nothing tell everyone that you “killed it”.  Be sure to wake up hung-over, bloody, and confused in one of the hotel lobbies.  This industry needs new stories of excess & debauchery.
    

Good luck.

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